2020 – it’s the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t it?

Here I was thinking with all that’s been endured, the banishment of Coon cheese, on the grounds of racial overtones, had a stranglehold on the most bizarre occurrence of the calendar year.

But just as we’re about to hand out the gong, the IOC flashes home, like Winx in a Gympie Turf Club maiden, to grab the chocolates.

Breakdancing – in the Olympic games? That sets the bar a little higher. They do know the 80s are over, right? Is breakdancing even still even a “thing”?

I would have thought all our top breakdancers were now in their mid 50s and busy behind a desk, or picking their grandkids up from little league practice.

In the interest of clarity and transparency, does anybody understand exactly how IOC President Thomas “Take Us” Bach and his merry band of high-powered co-conspirators arrived at this inspired decision?

Surely, they’re aware that John Cleese et al from Monty Python have already covered off a lot of the same territory, through their hosting of the “Silly Olympics”? – The 100m sprint for people with no sense of direction, the marathon of incontinence, the 3000m steeplechase for people who think they are chickens, the 200m freestyle for non-swimmers.

Monty Python’s steeplechase for people who think they are chickens.

Should we read anything into the fact this announcement was made in December? Coincided perhaps with the IOC Christmas party? Swamp down a couple of dozen Gluehweins each, and let the imagination off the leash?

For all breakdancing’s inherent athleticism, it makes no sense. I’m rehearsing in my mind what Bruce McAvaney’s call might sound like.

“We’re set. The final of the two-minute freestyle breakdance. A field of eight, and they’re away…Crazy Legs begins well, Zulu King on the side of the stage looks creative, back to back windmills from him, the American Tony Touch in the middle with a double hand hop – air-flare combo – and there’s the jack hammer… that’s what we’ve been waiting for .. this is a famous victory, what a champion, what a legend.. “

Yes, if anyone could make the event sound legitimate, it would be Bruce. I suppose the other positive – the breakdancers could all perform in their team tracksuits. They wouldn’t even need to get changed. Just turn the cap around back to front, and they’d be good to go.

This latest stroke of genius from the IOC of course opens up a fertile discussion of what other sports – or “dance moves” – the Olympic governing body might be looking to include in the coming decades.

The Bus Stop? Does anybody remember that? Similar vintage to breakdancing. The IOC could haul KC and the Sunshine Band out of retirement, and get them to play at the opening
ceremony. 10,000 athletes from all around the world, crammed together in the main stadium, all doing the Bus Stop. How good?

What about the Macarena? They should have had that in Rio. I think it started somewhere down that way.

Consistent with the night club/dancing theme, you’d also have to think Karaoke was a chance at being included.

Japan, gold medal favourites? Drug testing of course, would need to be mandatory. Any “athlete” performing with a Blood Alcohol reading under .16 would be automatically disqualified. You can’t be singing sober.

In light of the current local Olympic bid, I think the AOC should also start looking at uniquely Australian type “events”, just in case Brisbane gets the nod for 2032 games.

To capture our outback spirit, we could have the mechanical bull – see how far the likes of Usain Bolt go over 10 seconds on that beast cranked to the max.

The snorkel skoll? The IOC are clearly targeting the youth market. I can tell you, after recently attending an 18th birthday party, there’s nothing that speaks to the youth quite like skolling beer.

In a similar vein, Beer Pong – that could be an exhibition sport. Showcase our true talent to the world. Alongside Celebrity Heads, another hometown favourite.

We could even look at the inclusion of some uniquely Queensland type events, for instance the 40-yard dash across hot sand, carrying a beach umbrella and a pair of double pluggers in one hand and a blow-up pool toy in the other.

Or the XXXX Lager lift – hauling a full esky, solo, up the front steps of a double story Queenslander. Again – barefoot on hot timber. What about fancy dress Barefoot Bowls, with a pony of Gold after every end?

So many wonderful opportunities to express ourselves culturally.

If we cobbled together enough of these new-age events, we mightn’t even need to build a stadium. Have whatever we can on the beach – just the Fabulous Goldie. Noosa, you’d expect in 2032, would still be recovering from the trauma of Schoolies drinking on their precious sand. The rest of the Games, we could run inside a giant nightclub.

Yes, 2020 has left us a lot to ponder.

I’d better stop there. Too many more good ideas and somebody might nominate me for a position on the IOC.